The Harry Horror Picture Show
by Jimmy Bizzle
Summary: I have never even seent the Rocky Horror Picture Show, so do not chastize me. These are just skits of the characters worst fears and what would happen if they came true. Ron's and Hermione's are up as one. Some of the content is not for the weak of heart


Harry Horrors

_Ron's Worst Fear Confirmed_

[Hermione rushes into the Burrow, breathless, having just flown from her home on the other side of GREAT BRITAIN]

HERMIONE: Ron! Ron! I just heard, Congratulations!

[Ron, who is sitting at the kitchen table, does not seem to find it surprising that Hermione is in his home AT ALL (hmmm, what have they been UP TO?). Without looking up, he responds, albeit with a mouth full of TOAST]

RON: Congratulations for what, Hermione?

HERMIONE: On the movie, of course!

[Mrs. Weasley enters and OVERHEARS the conversation]

MRS. WEASLEY: What's this about a movie?

HERMIONE: Well, the one you starred in, of course.

[Mrs. Weasley looks HORRIFIED and moves behind Ron so he will not see the look of sheer terror on her face.]

RON: What's a movie?

MRS. WEASLEY: Some Muggle invention, Ronnie, dear. Nothing you need to be concerned with of course.

RON: Why is Hermione saying you're in a movie?

[Enter twins and Harry, who just woke up, Harry having been at the Burrow since Monday]

HARRY: Hallo, Hermione. Why are you here?

HERMIONE: Well, I'm just here to congratulate Mrs. Weasley on her movie debut, but no one seems to know what I'm talking about.

[Mrs. Weasley makes FRANTIC slashing movements across her throat. Hermione BLATANTLY REFUSES to take the hint.]

FRED: Mum, you were in a movie? A Muggle movie?

MRS. WEASLEY: Of, course not, George. Now eat your kippers.

FRED: [Grumbles.]Never gets us right. Our _own mother._

MRS. WEASLEY: I'm sorry, Fred.

HERMIONE: You'll be making quite a bit of money, of course?

[By now, Mrs. Weasley's subtle attempts to silence Hermione go forlorn. SHE GIVES UP.]

RON: Mum, why does Hermione keep going on about a movie? I mean, I guess the money is good, but if you weren't really in it…?

HARRY: What's the name of the movie? Maybe we can go see it all today in the Muggle village.

HERMIONE: Calendar Girls.

[Mrs. Weasley almost DIES.]

GEORGE: Mum, are you hiding something from us?

MRS. WEASLEY: Of… of course not!

HERMIONE: Come on, Mrs. Weasley. I saw your name on the marquee. "Starring: Molly Weasley*"

RON: What's it about, Mum? This Calendar Whosits?

[Mrs. Weasley is REDDER than Ron has ever been described in CANON]

GEORGE: Yeah, Mum. Why are you keeping this from us?

MRS. WEASLEY: George, don't be silly. I'm keeping nothing from you. It was just a spot of extra money.

HARRY: What's it about? Is it some 'chick flick?'

[Everyone LOOKS at HARRY because he said "CHICK FLICK." Which is quite funny when you think of it. With his accent and all.**]

HERMIONE: Jeezes. It's about these old women who pose naked for a calendar to raise money for leukemia.

[Mrs. Weasley FAINTS. Ron runs around the KITCHEN like a headless CHICKEN]

HERMIONE: Was it because I said she was old?

HARRY: Oh, Hermione. THAT is disgusting!

GEORGE: No wonder she kept it from us.

FRED: Mum… Naked. Disgusting.

GEORGE: Degrading.

HARRY: Wrong.

ALL: SAGGY!

HERMIONE: I thought I would have been empowering. I'm surprised she told no one.

[Hermione says this looking both SNOOTY and REGAL, which is a HORRIBLY CRAP combination]

HARRY: What? Are you about to dance around with no knickers on?

HERMIONE: I hardly think this is the ti…

[Hermione's SNOOTY and REGAL-NESS is GONE]

GEORGE: Hiding anything?

FRED: [smirks] Ya, Mione. Got anything to tell us?

HERMIONE: FINE! I was in Calendar Girls Juniors!

[Ron calms DOWN. He sits at the TABLE and lays his head in his hands.]

RON: First, we need to find and burn every single copy of Calendar Girls. Then, we need to find $3.25 so we can rent a copy of Calendar Girls Juniors.

*I just put Molly Weasley to fit my story. Julie Walters, the actress who plays Mrs. Weasley in the HP movies is really in Calendar Girls.

**I'm sorry. I'm American and I love the British accent, but somehow I can picture a Brit saying the phrase "Chick Flick." I don't know if you British people even use that term, so I'm sorry if I offended anyone. BTW a Brit saying Chick Flick would take away from the elegance of the accent.

_Hermione's Horror Realized_

[Set in the LIBRARY. This is both COMICAL and OMINOUS. Harry and Ron find Hermione hidden behind a stack of very old tattered books]

HARRY: Hello, Hermione. What are you doing in the library?

HERMIONE: Harry, I'm reading, what do you think?

RON: We have news.

HARRY: We fell in love.

HERMIONE: WHAT?!!

RON: And those books you're reading? They're from the set of "The Time Machine," the 1960's version. When you pick them up, they will probably shatter.

[Hermione, HORRIFIED, picks a up the book on top. Sure enough it CRUMBLES into her LAP. She quickly FAINTS and the two boys stare in mingled FEAR and HUMOROSITY. Which is probably not even a word]

HARRY: I love you immensely, my Weasley King.

RON: Tis I that loves you, My Boy Who Shags.

[Ron and Harry KISS. Many of us become SQUEAMISH. Meanwhile, Hermione wakes up]

HERMIONE: My… my books!

[Harry and Ron break. Ron is quite UPSET… horny bastard.]

HARRY: Forget about the books. They do nothing for you. Obviously they don't, if they break apart. Be happy. Fall in love. Just as I and Ron have.

HERMIONE: I loved my books!!

RON: They are gone. Get over yourself, woman.

[Ron makes a very GIRLISH motion with his hand that involves a snapping of the WRIST. This is quite HILARIOUS]

HARRY: I'm sorry to admit this, Hermione, but I really thought I was attracted to you before. You were always to busy studying, though, which was when I realized Ron was the man for me.

HERMIONE: Really? But… but I like you, too. I thought you would like me if I was smarter.

RON: That is so stupid. Straight men don't care about brains. 

[Ron makes another ridiculously FEMININE motion which involved a hip-jut. Now we are just SCARED]

HERMIONE: Oh, Ron, you too! I loved you, too! I want to be with both of you!

RON: Well that is just [_snap snap!_] out of the question!

[Hermione grabs HARRY by the collar and engages with him. HA! Harry seems to enjoy this. Ron however is LIVID]

RON: What do you think you are doing?!

HARRY: Ron—Ron… you need to try that.

RON: I _will not!_

[Hermione proceeds to do the same to RON. Ron breaks AWAY, yet seems oddly PLEASED]

RON: We need the Room of Requirement. With a super-sized bed. NOW.

HERMIONE: After we are done. We need more books. [Tears are streaming down her face at the loss of her STUPID books]

HARRY: This is the worst Horror Short I've ever been apart of. Hermione fears losing her books. But she got lucky with two sexy-hott best friends. Don't you see the paradox here? 

**{Author's Notes} Harry's is next yippee! I hope you like this. I thought it was quite a funny idea, but then again, I'm never funny in a deliberate way. I usually am in an inadvertent way. Oh well, please R/R! I would appreciate it.**


End file.
